Pavement fertilisation!

Dear Sir

Following on from the fantastic news that Waterford has reinforced its position as one of Ireland’s tidiest cities, I would like to highlight another area where Waterford is a proud and innovative international leader, ‘Pavement Fertilisation’.

Pavement Fertilisation has, in a short time, almost surpassed crystal making as Waterford’s chief artistic cottage industry. The relatively low level of skill and raw material required has made the art of Pavement Fertilisation accessible to all who wish to pursue a career in this new and rewarding profession. All that is essentially required to launch a career in this field is a ‘Canis Lupus Familiaris’, or in layman’s parlance, a dog. The breed, size, weight or relative sauciness of the ‘dog’ is unimportant. The primary function required of the ‘dog’ is the ability to defecate as regularly and prodigiously as a Wildebeest with severe incontinence.

Many experts believe that we in Waterford have breathed new life into the archaic and much criticised pastime of doggie doodoo-ing. Indeed local Pavement Fertilising expert Professor Petrocelli (Pet) McIvor has fought the international Arts establishment to gain recognition for Waterford’s astonishing capacity in this area. ‘Having visited every City, town and village in the Republic of Ireland, I can say confidently and without fear of contradiction that Waterford is head and shoulders above the opposition’ said a fiercely proud McIvor. ‘We in Waterford are quite literally up to our necks in Dog Detritus’ he went on to say.

One wonders how these aesthetically enthralling works of Art will survive the expected 100,000 or so visitors to our glorious and nationally recognised ‘Tidy’ City for the Tall Ships Festival in the summer. Far too many fine examples of Post Modernist Pavement Poo have already been destroyed by careless walkers, cyclists and, in particular, prams and buggies pushed by overzealous parents.

Yours, etc

Richard McCarthy

7 The Bungalows, Upper Yellow Road


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