All you ever needed to know about men’s underwear

There are some very serious issues going on in our world today. Wars, murder, crises in the health service, greedy politicians and the downturn in the economy dominate the daily headlines. That’s why this week I am delving into the slightly more frivolous world, figuratively speaking of course, of men’s underwear.

Men’s underwear isn’t high on my priority list but a survey has been released by underwear manufacturer Jockey International. Meanwhile, despite the fact that Halloween is just over, retailers everywhere were waiting to pounce with the Christmas stuff. Indeed if Halloween didn’t exist you can be guaranteed that the Santas, beads and baubles would have hit the shelves at the end of September. Thankfully Halloween prevents this, but Christmas stock just waits in the wings for the 31st of October to come and go and first thing on November 1st the familiar reds and golds of Christmas leap onto the shelves. Nothing is safe from now until December.

Just popping into the supermarket for a pint of milk will remind you that the festive season is just around the corner. You are probably wondering what all this has to do with men’s underwear? Well let’s face it most men could throw out their entire underwear collection on Christmas Eve happy in the knowledge that on December 25th it will be replaced with mountains of fresh new socks and pants from loving wives, children, aunties and grannies everywhere. However, if you are buying underwear for a man in your life or indeed you are a man reading this and are contemplating a little underwear retail therapy then read on.

Say hello to
‘Pantology’

Jockey International, one of the oldest names in men’s underwear has conducted a study of men’s underwear habits. To say this was an in-depth crucial, social document would be somewhat foolish as it is probably just another clever marketing exercise. But it has produced some relatively interesting theories.

Jockey brought together a psychologist, a Feng Shui expert and a lifestyle guru and between them they devised ‘Pantology’.

In a nutshell the panel believes that what a man chooses to encase his most treasured possessions in can reveal a great deal about the type of person he is. Probably because of the Feng Shui influence they have also devised a rough guide to what type or colour underwear is best worn for various occasions. Auspicious underwear! And there you were thinking you didn’t get the job because of your performance at the interview, when all the time it was the colour of your knickers.

Look after your
Sacral Chakra!

Underwear affects you apparently, as it is worn close to the body’s sacral chakra. We have seven chakras in total but the sacral chakra is situated just below the naval. The colour of the Sacral Chakra is orange; it is ruled by the moon and is the centre of sexuality, emotions, pleasure and creativity. According to devotees, if this chakra is imbalanced it can cause physical dysfunctions such as low back pain, pelvic pain, low libido or urinary problems.

It can also affect the mind, causing negative mental and emotional issues such as blame, guilt and anger. (Have your eyes glazed over yet, are you still with me?). If a man is feeling stressed or nervous the best colours to wear are earth colours such as dark red, brown or dark grey. Men who are wearing a thong are apparently “sending out huge positive vibes from their sacral chakra to those around them”! Good grief, that’s not the only thing he’s sending out!

What man wears a thong unless he is a stripper? Positive vibes or not, thongs are never a good idea. For men everywhere, here’s a secret, thongs were only devised to make women laugh loudly at any man wearing one. They are particularly silly. Anyway, back to the colours. Wear red pants when you want to feel daring, energetic and exciting. Purple will put you in a creative and vibrant mood. Blue will suggest cool, peaceful and sensitive feelings. Yellow should be reserved for when you want to be lively, original and imaginative and if you find yourself being drawn to a green pair of drawers then you are stable, kind and very nurturing. Interestingly in Italy there is a custom of wearing bright red underpants on New Year’s Eve. They say it will bring good luck in the coming year.

Women call the underpants tune

Most men probably don’t care so much about the sacral chakra, but more about what’s going on beneath it. Indeed most of the men I know don’t worry too much at all about their underwear other than it is clean and comfortable. However it has been revealed that women buy the most male underwear. Presumably they are buying it for men. Therefore we can deduce that most men’s bits are at the mercy of a woman’s preferred shape. If you find yourself in little briefs then probably they are what your mate finds most attractive. Boxer shorts seem to win in the ‘sexy’ stakes, but the figure hugging jersey variety rather than the cotton ones. Sales of thongs appear to be slow, even if they are better for the sacral chakra.

Finally ladies should note that the survey also revealed men’s biggest underwear gripes. The biggest moan was underpants that cause wedgies, followed by ill fitting elastic and scratchy tags. So when shopping this festive season just remember that although you may be paying for them, he’s the one wearing the pants.

For full story see The Munster Express newspaper or
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