Complaints were coming in from his teachers in First Class and from parents who said their children were picking up bad habits from Jimmy.
Nobody could figure out where the boy had learned his flowery language but something had to be done because he had even began referring to his father as ‘Bollocky Bill’.
A family conference was called and all sorts of ideas were mooted but none seemed suitable until his grandfather spoke up in a firm voice.
“Listen, little Jimmy’s future is at stake here so we have to be serious about this and we may have to be cruel to be kind,” he said.
Granddad’s idea was that Jimmy’s mother and father would take him aside and tell him straight that his behaviour was totally unacceptable. His birthday was in three week’s time and if he hadn’t stopped effing and blinding by then there would be no presents at all, not even one.
Sadly, the threat didn’t work and Jimmy was as foul-mouthed as ever. “You’ve got to keep to your word and not give him any presents,” insisted his grandfather. “In fact, really push it home by leaving an old banana skin in all the places where he would normally find his presents,” he added.
And so, when Jimmy woke up on his sixth birthday, there were two banana skins at the foot of his bed. He raced downstairs to see if the postman had brought him anything but there were only two more banana skins lying on the mat.
Presents from his grandparents were usually placed on the breakfast table but, again, there was nothing for him only more banana skins.
His parents waited anxiously for his response. But Jimmy showed no emotion and, as soon as he finished his breakfast, he went back to his bedroom.
By then his grandparents had arrived so it was decided that his grandfather would go upstairs and talk to him
“Well, Jimmy,” began his grandfather as he sat on the end of the bed, “did you receive any present for your birthday.”
Jimmy’s face broke into a beaming smile. “Fecking too right I did,” he piped up excitedly. “Bloody hell, I’m pretty sure I got a pet monkey from Mam and Bollocky Bill but I’ve searched everywhere and I can’t find where the shite-arsed little shagger is hiding.”