Mammies are often right!
A man from a certain County Waterford village woke up at Waterford Regional Hospital after being in a coma for three months. His wife was sitting by his bedside holding his hand and through her tears of delight she blurted out:
“Darling, welcome back to the world. You know, I’ve been with you through everything. I was there last year when you had that awful accident and broke your leg and I was there to comfort you when your business went bust and we were left penniless.”
Pausing to dab her eyes with a tissue, she continued: “And remember, sweetheart, I was at your shoulder when our house burned down and we lost all our possessions and I have been at your side every day since you lost consciousness.”
“What does that say about me”, she cooed, as she squeezed her husband’s hand reassuringly.
Her husband thought for a while before replying in a feeble voice. “I think, maybe, my mother was right all along when she said you were bad luck from day one.”
When love’s desire is awakened
An elegant but mature lady from the Dunmore Road area went to see her doctor and confided in him that she and her husband had not been intimate for several years.
Pointing out that loving sex between elderly people was a very natural and rewarding experience, the doctor suggested to the woman that she and her husband should set aside time for themselves and try harder.
“But it’s not me, it’s my husband, he seems to have no sexual desire whatsoever”, wailed the woman.
“Aha”, exclaimed the doctor, “why didn’t you say so at the outset, I have the very thing that will work the trick”. With that, he gave the grateful woman a packet of tablets and instructed her to give two pills to her husband before his evening meal. “You’ll be delighted with the results”, beamed the doctor.
The following Monday morning, the woman returned to the doctor’s office and pleaded with him to change her husband’s prescription. “Those pills are much too strong”, she explained. “I gave him two before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through the meal they took effect. A mad, wild look came into his eyes before he jumped up and pulled the tablecloth off the table scattering the dishes and food all over the floor. Then he threw me onto the table, and made fabulous, passionate love to me right there and then.”
“Well, okay”, said the doctor, “he might have been a bit over the top but, surely, we have achieved what we set out to do and your love life is back on track. You should be happy.”
“That’s all very well”, said the woman, “but after Saturday night we can’t eat at the Granville anymore”.
When the rural dream died!
A man from St. John’s Park in Waterford city was made redundant from his job but, as his children were raised and gone from the family home, his wife and himself decided that they would use the opportunity to start a new life.
Both were keen gardeners and loved working in the open air so they decided to sell their house, add the proceeds to the redundancy money and buy a smallholding deep in the countryside. They hit lucky straight away as they got a good price for their own house and managed to buy a nice cottage on twenty acres in the Kilmacthomas area.
They then had to decide what they would do on the twenty acres and, following much deliberation, they decided they would set up a little chicken farm. They were warmly welcomed to Kilmacthomas by the local people and were absolutely delighted when their nearest neighbour offered them one hundred chicks to get them started.
Two weeks later, the neighbour dropped by to see how the new farmers were getting on but the news wasn’t good as he was told that all the chicks had died. Not to worry, said the neighbour, I’ll bring over a hundred more chicks and, surely, next time you’ll have better luck.
The neighbour returned after a further two weeks to check on the second batch of chicks but he found the couple in tears. “We’re seriously thinking of going back to St. John’s Park because nothing is working out for us in our new life”, they wailed.
‘’I can’t understand why all the chicks died”, said the mystified neighbour.
‘’We don’t know either”, came the reply, ‘’maybe we planted them too deep or too far apart.”
Pity the poor tourist
A luxury cruise ship arrived in Waterford last week and, for most of the day, many of the passengers wandered happily throughout the city and county. One middle-aged American gentleman liked the look of a certain pub and went in to find it deserted except for three beautiful women who worked behind the bar.
The man went up to the counter and said in a deep southern accent: ‘’Ah would lack a glass of bourbon and watuh, if you please honey’.
“Certainly Sir, sit down there at any table you like and I’ll bring it over to you'”, said one of women.
‘’Thank yuh honey”, said the tourist when the drink arrived, ‘’now could y’all give me a piece of ass?”
‘’Get away out of it, ye dirty fecker”, said the insulted woman who stormed out of the bar into the kitchen.
The two other women, not knowing why their colleague had walked out, went over the American tourist and asked him if everything was all right.
‘’Sure is, li’l darlin’s but I really would lack a piece of your ass”, smiled the man.
One of the women immediately slapped him across the face and the other kicked the chair out from under him, knocking him to the floor. ‘’Feck off out of here you randy Yank or I’ll plant my boot on your own fat ass”, she cried angrily.
The dazed American was still on the floor when the owner of the bar walked in. ‘’What on earth is going on here”, he said, rushing over to help the tourist into a chair.
‘’Ah sure as hell don’t know suh but where I come from in Alabama we lack our bourban and watuh real cold so I still need a piece of ass for mah drink’, said the exasperated man.
Taking dedication too far
Such is the state of chassis in the world today, the government decided recently that it needed to form an elite corps of tough, professional operatives who could be counted upon to defend the State no matter what.
A trawl of the army, navy and air corps yielded the names of three officers, two men and a woman, who were deemed to be suitable candidates. It was arranged that senior personnel from the CIA would travel from the United States to Ireland to help interview the candidates and a suite of rooms was set aside in the Tower Hotel to facilitate the process.
As it turned out, all three candidates were married and they were asked to bring their partners in life with them to the interviews. On arrival, the partners were welcomed by the top brass and placed in three separate rooms away from everybody else.
The first man in, a pilot, was handed a gun by a CIA man and told to go next door to where his wife was waiting and shoot her. The pilot went away but there was silence for a long time before he returned to say that he could not bring himself to shoot his wife. “I’m sorry, you have failed the test and you must leave”, said the CIA man.
The second man in, a naval officer, was also handed a gun and given the same instructions and, like the previous candidate, he returned to the room and said he could not shoot his wife. “I’m sorry, you have failed the test and you must leave”, said the CIA supremo.
The final officer, an army captain, was also given a gun and told to go next door where her husband was waiting and shoot him. She looked surprised but took the gun and went into the room. Not long afterwards there was the sound of two shots, a brief silence and then a loud commotion punctuated by screams and shouts.
Finally, the woman, sweating profusely and with her uniform torn and in disarray, returned to the room. “You idiots”, she stormed, “the bloody rounds you put in the gun were blanks so I had to choke him instead.”