A squashed snail

A City Council worker frightened a passer-by on The Mall last week when he suddenly crashed his shovel down on the pavement with an almighty bang. “That noise made me jump”, complained the elderly woman. “Sorry about that Ma’am”, said the worker, “I was just squashing a big, fat snail.”

“That’s terrible, what did a little snail ever do to you”, said the woman.

“He was annoying me all day that’s what”, said the worker. “Everywhere I went, the fecker kept following me.”

Birds of a feather drink together!

A man walked into The Granville Hotel on Friday evening last shortly after 5 o’clock. The bar was busy but he spotted a vacant stool next to a very smartly dressed young woman. He sat down and ordered a pint and was about to open the Late Edition of The Munster Express when the woman suddenly turned and faced him, her beautiful blue eyes locked into his.

“Listen”, she said in a seductive voice, “I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere. I’ve been doing it since I left university and I just pure love it.”

“Wow”, said the man, his face breaking into a wide smile, “it’s nice to meet you. I’m a lawyer too, what firm do you work with?”

A distinguishing feature

An undertaker, in a place far away from Waterford, was working in his mortuary one night preparing the body of a deceased man for cremation. He could barely stifle a surprised yell when he removed the cover and discovered that the man had the biggest penis he had ever seen in his life.

Even though it was unethical, he succumbed to temptation and surgically removed the man’s penis and preserved it in a large jar. It would be a shame to allow such a specimen to be incinerated, he said to himself.

When he went home that night he called out to his wife and said: “Listen, you are not going to believe what I’m about to show you.” With that, he opened his briefcase and, with a theatrical gesture, produced the jar holding the dead man’s giant organ.

“Arghhhhh”, screamed his wife in anguish, “I didn’t know poor Tommy was dead.”

A one-track mind

Jimmy was a fanatical Waterford hurling fan. One night last week he and his wife were in bed and, for the umpteenth time, he was watching the video of the semi-final win over Tipperary on the bedroom television.

Finally, his wife could take it no longer. She was also a Waterford supporter but the constant commentary and cheering were going through her head like a jack-hammer. She jumped out of bed and pulled the television’s plug out of its socket. “Listen”, she said to her shocked husband, “I’m fed up to the teeth with all this bloody hurling. You haven’t touched me in weeks so we’re going to talk about sex right now whether you like it or not.”

“God, Mary, I’m really sorry”, said Jimmy. “Listen, you’re one-hundred per cent correct. I tell you what, I’ll even start off the discussion. Tell me, do you think any of the players are still virgins or what?”

Mistaken identity

A man walked into The Wander Inn in Johnstown on Sunday night last and, after staring for some time at an attractive woman seated up from him at the bar, he walked over to her and said: “Hello, Darling” before giving her a big hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

The woman recoiled like a scalded cat and slapped him hard across the face. The shocked man immediately apologized and explained. “I’m very sorry but I thought you were a former girlfriend of mine. You look exactly like her.”

“Don’t give me that stupid old excuse. You are a worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk”, she snarled in a loud voice. “Funny”, muttered the man feeling his face, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Not to put a tooth in it!

The waiting room in a dentist’s surgery was packed last Saturday morning when a man and woman rushed in. “Everybody, this is an emergency can you let us jump the queue”, said the man who looked quite distressed. The other patients weren’t exactly happy about the situation but, nevertheless, they all nodded in agreement and the receptionist ushered the pair into the surgery.

“Doc, I’ve got an admission to make but you’re a golfer yourself so I know you understand the situation”, blurted out the man. “We’ve got to be on the First Tee in less than half an hour for the final of the mixed foursomes and we can’t be late so, please Doc, pull the aching tooth as it is and be done with it. We just don’t have time for an anaesthetic to be administered and then waiting for it to work. The pain won’t last long, so do it now, please.”

The dentist hadn’t the least intention of complying with the golfer’s unusual plea but he was impressed with his zeal for the game and curious about the tooth. “Which tooth is it”, he asked.

The man turned and pushed his wife forward. “Hurry up, Mary love, open your mouth and show the dentist your aching tooth.”

Adam and the monkeys

A little girl asked her mother: “Mammy, how did the human race appear.” Her mother smiled lovingly and answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: “Mammy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Daddy said we developed from monkeys.”

Her grim faced mother answered: “Mary, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Never break a family tradition!

A Ballybricken man was visiting his brother who lived in London and, for the fun of it, decided to enter ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’. To his huge surprise, he was selected and ended up on the television in the famous chair opposite Chris Tarrant.

All the questions fell right for him and, almost before he knew it, he was facing the £10,000 question. “Now”, said Chris, “don’t forget, you still have all three lifelines in place so good luck with this. Here it comes. Who was the man who carried out the Great Train Robbery. Was it Ronnie Biggs, Ronnie Lane, Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Barker?”

The Ballybricken man was silent for a few seconds before a resigned look came over his face and he replied: “I’m sorry, Chris, I can’t answer that question so I’ll take the five thousand and leave and thank you for a lovely day.”

The television presenter couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Are you mad or what”, he exclaimed, “you have all your three lifelines, why don’t you use them?”

“Because I don’t want to give you the answer to the question”, replied the Ballybricken man.

“You stupid, stupid man, don’t you realise you are throwing away five thousand pounds”, exclaimed the exasperated Tarrant.

“Listen, pal, none of my family was ever an informer and I’m not going to be the first”, said the Ballybricken man firmly.

Ballygunner men and their dogs

Two friends from Ballygunner were avid hunters and lived for the time they spent stalking the woods and bogs with their dogs and guns. Even though they were firm friends, there was a great rivalry between them as to who had the best dog.

Joe was in the market for a new dog and, determined to get the very best animal possible, he scoured the country unbeknownst to his friend Bill. He finally hit gold in the village of Lixnaw, County Kerry, where he found a man who was reputed to have the best hunting dogs in Ireland.

“This dog comes from a very special litter and I would only sell him to a genuine hunter like yourself”, said the breeder as Joe and himself shook hands on the deal. “What is particularly special about him”, asked Joe delighted that the dog and himself immediately became friends. “Well”, said the man, “he will do all the things a good hunting dog should do and more but he can also walk on water so he can quickly retrieve any birds shot down over lakes or rivers.”

The next week, Joe and Bill were out hunting and Joe made a great show of introducing his new dog but said nothing about the animal’s special gift deciding to let Bill see for himself. They weren’t out long when they spotted a flock of ducks flying over the lake and Joe took aim and fired. A duck fell and, immediately, his new dog responded and jumped into the water. And, as the man from Kerry had promised, the dog did not swim towards its quarry but, instead, scampered across the water and was back in a jiffy with the bird in his mouth and his paws hardly wet.

On the day, Joe’s eye was in and the dog repeated the exercise several times more but even though Bill was watching everything like a hawk, he never opened his mouth to comment on Bill’s dog’s unusual gift. On the drive home, Joe couldn’t contain himself any further and, nonchalantly, he said to his friend. “Well, Bill, what do think about my new dog?”

“Well, Joe”, said Bill with a sniff, “he looks good enough but, personally, I wouldn’t have a dog that couldn’t swim.”