An Autumn romance

An elderly widower from Kilmacthomas and an equally mature widow from Stradbally had been dating for some time and, after much soul searching, they decided that they were getting on so well the right thing to do would be for them to get married.

They made a handsome couple and all the preparations were made. They both had a few bob so no expense was spared on the reception that was to be held in the swish, new Cliff Hotel in Ardmore. They booked Brass and Co for the ‘afters’ followed by a Disco by John O’Shea. Then, with all the plans neatly in place, two nights before the big day, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation about their future life together.

They discussed everything under the sun until, finally, the man decided it was time to broach the subject of their future physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex”, he asked, somewhat nervously.

“Well”, said his bride-to-be after a long pause, “I feel obliged to speak the truth and tell you that I would like it infrequently.”

The Kilmac man sat quietly and considered her answer before replying. Then, peeping over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked: “Was that one word or two words?”

An auld wan causing havoc!

In court, lawyers should never ask elderly, testy women leading questions if they aren’t prepared for the answer as was demonstrated at Waterford Court recently.

A distinguished barrister called his first witness, an elderly countrywoman, to the stand and his first question was: “Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?” She looked at him as if he was something unpleasant she had discovered on the sole of her shoe.

“Of course I know you, boy, I’ve known you since you were a child and, frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you’ve acquired a fancy, false accent and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Oh yes, I know you all right.”

The lawyer was stunned but he carried on gamely and, pointing across the room in dramatic fashion, he asked: “Mrs. Murphy, do you know that Garda standing there?” Mrs. Murphy sniffed in distain before replying: “Indeed I do, I’ve known that big lump for more years than I care to remember and I can tell you he is lazy and bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He is also a love rat and I know for certain he not only cheats on his wife but he is carrying on behind his girlfriend’s back as well. Oh yes, I know him all right.”

There was consternation in the court and, as the elderly woman sniffed happily and looked out at the public with a contented look on her face, the Judge had to bang his gavel several times to restore order. He then asked the defence and prosecuting counsel to approach his bench and in a quiet voice that contained not a little hint of panic, he hissed. “If either one of you feckers asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to jail for a month for contempt.”

A rogue shot followed by a good deed

Two lady members of Waterford Golf Club were enjoying a round last weekend when, on the 12th., one of their tee-shots sliced badly and the culprit watched in horror as the ball sped, waist-high, towards a male foursome putting on a nearby green. One of the men turned around at the right, wrong moment and was stuck by the ball that was travelling at some speed.

The man yelped in pain and, clasping his hands together at his groin, fell on the ground where he writhed in agony. The two women golfers rushed over immediately and apologised profusely. “Please, you must allow me to help, I am a consultant physical therapist”, said the woman who had struck the rogue shot. “No, no, it’s all right, there’s nothing you can do”, said the injured man through gritted teeth still clasping his hands together at his groin.”

“I am so, so sorry”, said the distressed woman but, then, she suddenly shook herself into action and the health professional in her took over. “Listen”, she said in a firm voice, “there is no need for you to be in such pain when I can do something about it.” She carefully and tenderly pulled the man’s hands apart and he cried out in pain again as she did so. She then loosened his trousers and, after blowing on her hands to warm them, she very carefully and gently placed them on his groin area.

A small crowd had gathered at this stage and the injured man turned his face away in embarrassment but, as she rubbed and massaged, he relaxed visibly and, within a very short time, his cries of pain were replaced by a low moan. “Now, do you feel any better”, she asked after a few minutes, still concerned and upset about her stray shot.

“I do, thanks very much, I feel much better”, said the man, “but I still think my thumb is broken.”